beginnings and endings

Final grades for the Spring semester have been issued, and I managed to wrap up my tenure as a graduate student with a 4.0. Yay!

I only hope that I can keep up the momentum in law school. I doubt it, though. Perusing Tulane’s recent honorees leads me to believe that there must be one really difficult class, because all of the honorees – some of whom were at the top of their class – had GPAs in the 3.8 range. But I shall try my hardest and hope for the best.

People lately have been telling me “Congratulations,” and it still catches me by surprise. I was congratulated when I got married, and when I graduated last May, which makes sense to me. Going to law school doesn’t exactly strike me as the kind of thing one would be congratulated for – am I being commended for going into enormous debt? extolled for uprooting my family? praised for committing three more years of my life to more formal education? I suppose it is the achievement of getting accepted into a prestigious old law school that is being congratulated, but somehow it doesn’t feel like much of an achievement right now. No, right now it feels like a terrifying blind leap, taken on the chance and hope that this course will make a happier life for myself and my family in the long run.

Tulane offers me the following advice:

Relax this summer, and be ready to work hard when school starts.

And while that’s comforting to hear, the stress of the pending move makes it difficult. I know that it will all work out, but the uncertainty – the not yet knowing precisely how it all will unfold – is what eats away at me. As conscientious as I’d like to be – trying sometimes in vain to diligently make preparations and plans for The Move – in the end I realize that there’s only so much control I can exert on the way this chapter of my life shall end.

So I’ve lately resorted to reading The Witching Hour as a means to distract myself. And it seems to be working. That dense, lengthy Anne Rice novel which first caused me to fall in love with New Orleans does wonders to calm my nerves. And while offering the comfort of a previously read book, the story seems so much more vivid this time around, now that I have experienced the charm of the Crescent City first-hand, and it is no longer simply a made-up story-stage in my mind.

But this in-between time is bittersweet. Although my mind is mostly in New Orleans lately, my heart aches at certain Jackson sights. Like the flag pole in my cul-de-sac that's been crooked since the 4/4 tornado of 2008:


Something about these waning spring days strikes me as exceptionally splendid. Each magnolia blossom and cool crisp breeze brings a wave of nostalgia for something I haven’t even left yet, but which I know I will miss dearly. And though I know that this town will not fall off the face of the earth when I depart, I also know how it is to move away and return to a place you used to know intimately. Each change – a new building here, a widened street there – seems forced and artificial when you’re not around to witness a city’s organic growth. So it goes that I know visiting will never be the same, even as my time here goes shorter with each sunset. And even while I mourn my absence from this place that’s come to be my home over the last decade, I eagerly await building a new life, as a law student at Tulane University. It is so very exciting, after all.

lessons learned

Well, the semester is finally over and done, and with it my time at JSU comes to an end. It’s been a good three years; for all the trial and tribulations, not only do I have a degree (and 4 graduate credits should I ever decide to return to grad school), but I have a wealth of knowledge and experiences that are priceless and that have indelibly shaped my life’s course for the better.

One of the most important things I’ve learned is that, while my conscientiousness and thoughtfulness sometimes cause me unnecessary stress, they are, in fact, traits which serve me well. It is none other than these traits which cause me to consistently put out quality work, whether in school or at work. And the important lesson here is this: So long as I put forth my best effort to meet my own (overly high) expectations, I will nearly always exceed the expectations of others, and certainly meet them at the very least.

My research paper experience made this plain to me. Despite my fretting over the last few weeks, in the end I cranked out what I deem to be a solid piece of scholarly work, and I was actually proud of what I turned in to my professors. I’m still waiting on feedback before I revise it for submission to the Preyer scholars competition, but I feel good about the work that I’ve done, which is a pleasant feeling indeed.

This semester has also taught me that, while others may indeed share the passion and fervor for knowledge that fuels my scholastic endeavors, I do have an innate advantage which lies inside my skull. Although I often times curse my intelligence because I’m constantly over-thinking everything and from time to time it seems to impede my ability to reach a mindstate even resembling the ignorant bliss of the masses, in the end I am grateful to have a sharp, keen mind with which to understand the world around me.

I’m writing this not to toot my own horn, but because I know I’ll be entering a whole new world at Tulane Law School. I’ll be surrounded by other bright, driven young folks as opposed to the poorly educated slackers who comprised the bulk of my so-called “peers” at JSU. And I’m certain that in law school I’ll face intellectual challenges unlike any I’ve encountered thus far in my educational adventures. That being the case, this is simply an exercise in bolstering my assurance in myself; a way to store up my confidence for those inevitable times in the coming years when I’ll be questioning myself and my ability to succeed.

With the semester over and done I’ve returned to work full time, which sucks in a way I’ll not indulge myself in describing, because it does no good to dwell on such unpleasantries. All there is to do is suck it up, grin, and bear it for the next several weeks. The tricky part is going to be reserving enough mental energy to plan and effectuate The Move after working 9+ hour days, but I’ve no doubt that I’ll make it work, someway somehow.

In addition to planning The Move, I’ve got many projects underway, most of which are related in some way to relocating my household or remaking my life into that of a law student. Redesigning this blog and my web presence over at jkhammack.com are among these projects, so be on the lookout for changes and links and such, as well as more regular postings.

deadlines and decisions

I've given it much thought, and I've decided to go to Tulane Law School. Tomorrow I'll submit my decision and commitment deposit to the University, and commence with frantically planning The Move.

Meanwhile, April 15th looms ahead with a hefty tax bill to pay, and the first draft of my research paper for Women's History is due that day, too. Right now I'm taking a break from transcribing notes and thinking about how I shall compile the thoughts I've had and research I've done over the last several months into a coherent narrative. I take comfort in the fact that my submission for Wednesday is really and truly a first draft, and that I'll have two more weeks still to tweak it for a final grade. This also leaves me plenty of time to spend at the Archives in an effort to dig up some biographical info on my main cast of characters, who are still just plaintiffs and defendants at this point since all my primary source research thus far has taken place at the Law Library where little biographical info is available.

Honestly, though, I'm struggling to maintain momentum and muster motivation. The more I think about moving to New Orleans and going to law school, the more excited I become about the prospect, and the less I find myself concerned about my performance in these two grad school classes at JSU. I'm convinced that my future success lies along the legal tract, which leaves me without much care as to putting forth the effort to be a stellar grad school student in these last few weeks of the semester. That's not a productive attitude, however, so I'm reminding myself that this paper is not just for class requirements; I do, after all, intend to submit a polished version for possible presentation at the Preyer Panel at the American Society for Legal History 2009 Conference. So I'm working through the ennui, but struggling to do so.

And thoughts about The Move await in the wings all the while. I'm really not sure how we will accomplish it; I've never moved so far before! I don't know how to find a place sufficiently ahead of time but not so far ahead of time that we would have to pay 2 rents for 2 or 3 months - which we can't feasibly do! - in order to snag it up before some other student does. All the challenges aside, I'm eager and excited that we will make it work, somehow.

I also find myself preoccupied with anticipation of transitioning from grad student to law student. (Which will mean re-naming this blog!) I've been talking to my boss, who survived law school 20-some years ago, about what it's like to be a law school student, and from what she tells me I've got a rough row to hoe during the first year. And to make things more challenging, it will be nothing like the schooling I've grown accustomed to. We both know I'm up for the challenge, though, and I know I'll find it all immensely interesting, and so it is just one more aspect of this whole newfound-direction-for-my-life that I am eager to embrace. And one that easily distracts me from the tasks at hand.

For now, it's back to the research paper. Tomorrow I've set aside time for taxes and budgeting and other planning for The Move, but break time is over and so I shall end this idle screed.

my mind cut in sheets

By way of an unexpected happenstance it has occurred to me that perhaps my future in academia lies ahead via studies in Anthropology instead of History.

As exciting as this is it's also somewhat terrifying. I thought I knew I wanted to be a historian; I had no idea I might be working to be an anthropologist instead. The whole idea of a new concept of my future is hard to swallow after planning in the direction of History for so many weeks and months. Nevertheless, the more I look into the field the more excited I become. . .

I shall continue to anxiously await the trip to SUNY Binghamton. The plane tickets have been purchased and it's just a matter of weeks now.

I must remember to breathe deeply in the meanwhile.

so then I though I'd make some plans

It looks like the Spring Break trip to NY is going to happen. I must admit to being slightly nervous about the whole thing. While it is incredibly exciting to think of moving so far away for grad school it is also more than a little intimidating. And the thought of the cold winters is terrifying.

Nevertheless, something about it seems so right, and so I shall continue on this path and at least see how I feel after visiting the town and the university campus.

In any event, for the time being I must continue to attempt to concentrate on more immediate things. Like minerals and rocks and world literature and American eugenics. No health class this Thursday, so I can at least wait until next weekend to worry about any of that silliness.

I feel like I haven't yet regained the intellectual discipline and focus that I had acquired last semester. Perhaps as I get more settled in with these new classes it will come more easily to me. . .