of fathers and fatherhood

Can't help but being a little sad today, what with all of the reminders of fathers and fatherhood...

It's not that I'm not grateful for my own father. I love him dearly and I most certainly appreciate his presence in my life. But he's far, far away. And he has been for many years. Spending this day with him has not been a part of my yearly cycle for at least a decade.

And I'm also grateful for my dear, sweet husband, because he will be a wonderful father when the time comes.

It's just that I miss my father-in-law on this day dedicated to Dads. Spending the day with him, hubby, and my mother-in-law had become an important ritual in my yearly cycle 'lo these past 9 years. Although John is no longer with us, I'm grateful for the wonderful in-law relationships marriage has brought me; I know not everyone is completely accepted and wholly welcomed into the fold of the family they marry into, and that I've been very fortunate in this regard. (Indeed, it's precisely because of the love John and Irene have given me that this Father's Day pains me.) And, of course, I'm thankful to John's memory that he did such good work fathering Adam. But all of this gratitude doesn't fill the void left by John's absence.

Alas, the hurt is part of the healing, so I'll let myself feel it. And I'll remain grateful for the love I knew from my dear father-in-law, and do my best to stay strong for hubby's sake. This day is certainly more difficult for him than it is for me...